I have a family that I love, but it has not always been happy. I craved and sought my mother’s love and validation my entire life, with very little success. I went back again and again only to be embarrassed, shunned, chastised, or made to feel guilty. Every time, I left feeling hurt and sometimes mad, which really just covered up the hurt. I would ask myself, “Why does she do this? What have I done to deserve this? When will she tell me I am a lovely, worthwhile daughter and that she is proud of me?”
I was stuck in this place for many years—a perpetual victim. I went to therapy, discussed it with my partner, journaled about it, and tried all kinds of strategies to gain favor with my mom. While these things helped a bit, what really helped me find freedom was forgiveness.
In Al-Anon, I have learned to have compassion for the alcoholic—to separate the person from the behavior and to forgive them. I discovered that forgiveness isn’t some magnanimous act that lets others off the hook. It is about me and for me! First, I have no business judging another—the alcoholic, my mom, or anyone. Second, when I have compassion and find the willingness to love others despite their behaviors, I make room to consider forgiveness. Finally, when I forgive, I let go.
Forgiveness gives me my life back! It gives me peace, calm, and serenity. It gives me time and energy to spend on the sweetness of life instead of a merry-go-round of complaining and keeping resentments alive. It gives me a doorway through which to love my mother despite all of the hurts that I have experienced.
As my mother grows old, I am finding my way to loving her unconditionally. If I am being honest, I sometimes revert back to my old way of thinking, but today, I strive to spend less time there and move more quickly toward forgiveness.
By Joy F., Saskatchewan
The Forum, February 2022
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.